Zia's Story: CHAPTER TWO
Updated: Apr 29
Louis and I became officially together and I say that it’s one of the happiest moments of my life, meeting him and being with him. That’s why after almost 5 years of being together, he asked me to marry him and without second thoughts, I said yes.
Siguradong sigurado na ako sa kanya Leah. I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life with another man or face mornings without him. We were completely smitten by each other.
Leah, I know I am not easy to handle but Louis has always been so patient, understanding, supportive, and loving to me. Alam mo ‘yon? ‘Yung kahit nasusungitan mo siya madalas dahil sa stress sa trabaho, he would always still act so kindly towards me. Most of the time I think I do not deserve him.
He is a very good person Leah, sometimes too good to be true. Botong boto lahat sa kanya including my parents. My dad was not hard to please, but my mom? Diyan tayo laging nagkaka-problema. Sa totoo lang halos lahat ng desisyon ko sa buhay hindi siya aprobado, at lagi siyang may say. Maybe because we are just so different.
Yes we’re mother and daughter but I am more of my dad. I have 2 other siblings na babae at talagang sila ‘yung mana sa nanay namin while as for me? Sakit ako sa ulo sa nanay ko.
Halos lahat ng desisyon ko, including my hair cut na shoulder level ay hindi siya agree. I used to have long hair but one time, I came home with a short one and it took her everything not to destroy the kitchen utensils over her frustration.
With this kind of relationship I have with my mother, I thought she would not approve of Louis but I was completely wrong. Dahil sa lahat ng mga desisyon at choices ko sa buhay, isa siya sa mga iilan na aprubado ng nanay ko. and I couldn’t be more proud of him.
Let’s make something clear Leah, I love Louis. I love him so much and I never felt this kind of love for someone. However, dumating ako sa point that everything was just overwhelming.
Planning a wedding is stressful, sure. Ilang beses ko rin itong nabasa, napanuod, at narinig. I do not know what is the difference from the experience of one bride to the other. But if there is one thing I am sure, my experience nearly tore us apart kung hindi lang kumapit si Louis at hindi ako iniwan even though I think, he has the right to after my intolerable behavior and action.
Everything started Leah with the planning, the this and that and all the tiny details. Honestly, ako kasi I was okay with a simple wedding ceremony but my mom didn’t agree lalong lalo na’t ako ang unang anak niyang ikakasal.
Hindi ko alam kung dahil lang ba ito sa pagka perfectionist at traditional niya or it has something to do with pride because ‘yung mga weddings ng mga pinsan ko ay talagang big white wedding.
I always contradict my mom but with my wedding, I trusted her because in the first place, it was her who had gone through the wedding thing and all.
I thought it was going to be easy and that I could handle my mom’s nagging and attitude but it turned out to be far unnerving than what she used to be.
Si mommy talagang sobrang detailed and gusto niya from the cake, the drinks, and all. Basta alam mo ‘yung tatanungin ka kung anong flavor ang gusto mo and you would answer chocolate but follow up questions like chocolate rum cake, chocolate mocha, choco lava, fudge, hershey… alam mo ‘yung, mapapa basta chocolate ka na lang dahil para sa’yo pare parehas lang naman silang chocolate. Tapos talagang papagalitan ka pa kasi you have to be specific?
Tapos ‘yung gown kung hindi naman masyadong pang ‘manang’, masyado raw revealing. ‘Yung talagang pupunain niya magin ‘yung magiging style ng hair mo at make-up.
It was too detailed na talagang mapapa-ayoko ka na lang. But then maiisip mo bigla, teka, you have your amazing groom at your back … and so with this knowledge, I’m up and ready to endure another excruciating day of planning.
Alam mo ‘yung talagang ang stressful ng work tapos dadagdag pa ‘tong pagplaplano sa wedding. I feel like my head spins and I have to consume more coffee than I usually have every day dahil talagang hindi na ako nakakatulog.
When my stress level is too much I tend to have a headache at talagang sasakit na ‘yung batok ko at ‘yung shoulder ko ramdam na ramdam mo na parang may napakabigat na nakapatong.
There are times I also just lash out at people who will stand my way. Madalas ‘yung tolerance ko na rin sa stupidity ay ang konte konte na talagang kahit konting pagkakamali ay hindi ko pinapalagpas. I was basically bitching around.
But here comes my groom who is always so kind, patient, and understanding. ‘Yung kahit sa way mo lang ng pagte-text ay alam na niya na stress na stress ka at kahit hindi mo pa sasabihin, alam na niya kung ano ‘yung gagawin.
Ako kasi, stress eating ang ginagawa ko. Food comforts me. And so what my fiancée does, he would drop by at the office kapag alam niyang I cannot go out since I’ve got to finish many things, dadalhan niya ako ng food and coffee.
And on those times na talagang lagpas ulo ko na ‘yung stress at pressure, Louis would really drag me out of my office kahit alam niyang may mga kailangan akong tapusin. We would go somewhere hanggang sa makapag-relax ako ng konte hanggang sa ‘yung pagkakakunot ng noo ko ay mawawala at magagawa ko ng ngumiti at tumawa.
You know Leah, I’m really lucky to have this kind of man beside me and I didn’t know what I did to deserve him.
I’ve never been an insecure person Leah, in fact, alam ko kung ano ‘yung meron ako at ‘yung kaya ko. I know my worth at talagang kahit nga kay mommy, kahit ilang beses niya akong ikinumpara sa mga prim and proper kong mga pinsan, never akong nainsecure.
Kaya lang, as the wedding planning progresses, unti unti akong kinakain ng insecurities. Alam mo ‘yung confidence ko sa sarili ko unti unting nawawala and I didn’t like it and I was so frustrated I didn’t know what to do.
You know from the beginning that it’s wrong but then, you cannot help but to feel it. Yes Leah. Hindi na lang ‘yung mga taong nakapalibot sa akin ang naapektuhan sa mood ko at kakaibang attitude bagkus ay pati si Louis at ang relasyon namin.
It started when all of a sudden I just felt jealous which is hindi ko naman ugali. Si Louis, he has a lot of girl na friends, majority sa kanila ay nakabond ko pa. However, seeing him with them just activated an emotion I was never acquainted with … jealousy.
Sa lahat ng mga naging boyfriend ko, oo siguro at some point may konting ‘sino ‘yon?’ pero hindi ‘yung point na talagang ‘yung action at judgement mo maaapektuhan. Sabi nila okay lang daw ang magselos pero ‘wag sobra.
‘Yung akin that time napa-sobra, so definitely Leah, it was not okay in the first place.
Sa una, tinatanong ko na siya sa tuwing magkasama kami kung sino ‘yung nagmessage sa kanya o ‘yung tumawag. We do not know each other’s passwords and we do not share our social media account with each other nor do we go over each other’s phone not without the permission of the other.
We respected each other’s privacy and that we trusted each other. Take note Leah, ako pa ‘yung tao na ayaw na ayaw ko ‘yung may nagtatanong na parang inaakusahan ka for doing something kahit naman in the first place wala kang ginagawa.
Yes, I hate it. But then, itong ayaw ko, ako ang gumawa.
Si Louis dahil confident na wala ngang tinatago ay talagang pinapakita sa akin ang phone niya and he even told me to go over his messages. Normally, I would have declined. But then ewan ko ba kung ano ang pumasok sa akin at gino-over ko nga ang inbox at messenger niya.
Wala namang kahina-hinala, puro nga work-related ‘yung mga messages. Kaya Lang Leah, ‘yung sistema ko sobrang kinain ng insecurity at pati ‘yung mag simpleng message ng mga babaeng colleagues niya at kaibigan ay hindi ko nagustuhan.
My thought back then was shocked, there’s a lot of women around him and they are not just simply women, but beautiful and well-accomplished ones. Any of them could be a potential loverand so my madness worsened Leah.
Si mommy ‘yung wife na talagang very traditional. It’s like all her years, she was groomed to be a perfect wife. Masarap siyang magluto, masipag sa gawaing bahay, well detailed at talagang alam pumili ng furniture for the house, she knows how to decorate, how to perfectly tie a man’s necktie, which clothes to prepare for a certain occassion … basta ‘yung complete package na wife na alam lahat kahit ‘yung pinakamaliit na bagay ay talagang mastered niya.
Ako? Wala ni isa. And growing up, of all those times my mom tried to train me to be like her, ang lagi niyang sinasabi, ‘kapag nagkaasawa ka at hindi ka marunong sa ganito, iiwanan ka ng asawa mo or baka nga walang magkakagusto sa’yo in the first place’.
Tactless si mommy, ‘yung words niya ay talagang hindi filtered, kung ano na ‘yun, ‘yun na ‘yon. Masakit kung masakit basta ang importante sa kanya nasabi niya sa’yo ‘yung katotohanan.
Ako, I mastered the attitude din to ignore my mom. Mukha ngang ang reason ko kung bakit ako ipinanganak ay ang pasakit lamang ang ulo ng nanay ko eh.
However Leah, despite my specialization in ignoring my mother’s ramblings, bigla akong nakinig sa kanya dahil baka nga kung wala akong alam sa bahay, iiwan lang ako ni Louis. I know it is stupid and I should not be feeling that way because I knew my worth Leah, kung hindi ako gusto, he could just go.
Kaya lang, thinking those women which could potentially replace me any time, nakinig ako kay mommy and all I thought, it will solve my insecurity and whatever problem I have. It did the opposite Leah dahil hindi ko kinaya.
Dahil nga sa masyado akong focus sa work at hindi ako nakinig kay mommy sa mga pa-lesson niya noon, wala akong alam, pagprito lamang ng eggs.
Tinuruan ako ni mommy how to cook, paano mamalengke at mamili ng gulay at karne, she thought me kung paano ang mag-plantsa, kung ano ang dapat gamitin na pan – take note ang alam ko lang basta palayok silang lahat hindi palayok silang lahat, may frying pan, sauce pan and all pa pala. Tinuruan din ako kung saan appropriate ilagay ang certain furniture sa bahay, kung ano pa ang better product to buy … basta andami.
And the result? It was absolutely a disaster. Halos masunog ko na ‘yung kusina, ilang damit din ang nabutas at nangitim when I tried to iron them, basta disaster… palpak.
My mom was totally exhausted at kapag stress at pagod yan, mas lalong hindi titigil sa pagsasalita and she had managed Leah to say those words that made me say, ‘enough, this is it. I’m done’
Ang sabi niya, ‘wala daw hindi pa ako pwedeng mag-asawa, i-cancel ko na lang daw ‘yung wedding’.
‘Yung tenga ko talaga nag-snap nang marinig ko ito and the next thing I was already yelling at her, sarcastically telling her that I am sorry her daughter is not a wife material and that maybe she’s right, no man will ever want me to have as his wife.
You know Leah, when you do not have a good relationship with your mother, kapag nag-away kayo talagang mauungkat ‘yung mga hinanakit niyo sa isa’t isa. And so talagang nagsisigawan na kami.
We only stopped when dad and Louis arrived. I didn’t even notice I was crying not until I met my fiance’s worried face. He rushed towards me but before he could touch me, ay mabalis akong tumakbo paalis sa bahay. I just needed to get out from there.
I stayed at the office. Lagi akong nago-over time talaga, kadalasan hanggang 9Pm ako sa office. Pero after our heated argument, kahit 11pm na ay nag-stay ako sa office. Wala na akong ibang kasama nun except sa apat na guards na naka-duty para bantayan ‘yung building.
It’s like my system blacked out at wala akong balak to move from my swivel chair. ‘Yung ilaw din nun talagang nakapatay at wala akong balak buksan.
I was alone not until bigla ngang bumukas ‘yung mga ilaw sa office and I met a pair of kind and concerned eyes. It was Louis. I’m not entirely sure if he has been at the office long and he didn’t just approach me immediately because he wanted to give me space.
Seeing him normally would make me feel better but that time, I broke down into heavy tears. I never felt like a failure, I never took my mom’s words seriously not until that day when she managed to get into my nerves and target my weak points.
Louis comforted me and I allowed him to do it habang paulit ulit lang akong nagso-sorry. We stayed at the office for like two hours before niya ako ihatid sa bahay.
When we were outside the house, Louis might have sensed something at hesitant siyang bitawan ‘yung kamay ko.
Oo Leah, tama ‘yung intuition niya that there’s going to happen. Because just before the sun rises, I packed my bag and left. And I didn’t know, this move would change me… and not just me but everything.