Madison's Story: CHAPTER FOUR
Updated: May 21
Leah, ang laki ng pinagbago ni Apollo. Alam mo ‘yung talagang nag-mature ‘yung mukha at katawan niya and also, he seemed to have gained a confidence and that ‘yung talino niya nung high school ay talagang na unleash at lumabas.
We first started conversing over the phone and we just talked about anything. The way we talk ay ‘yung talagang biru-biruan lang, it’s like buddies na masasabi mo ‘yung bwesit ka’ ganun sa tuwing nang-aasar siya.
‘Yung humor niya more on reverse psychology like when you say you’re feeling down or when you say that you just feel like crying, sasabihin niyan, sige magwala ka, sumigaw ka kahit pa man aware siyang andaming taong nakapaligid sa’yo. O kung minsan kapag mas lalong totopakin, tatanungin kung kailangan ko raw ba ng resbak. Baliw din talaga Leah.
Tapos we also don’t say Hi, we say, ‘O ‘yung isa diyan ni hindi man lang makaalala’ ganun. Ganun ka abnormal.
We just continued talking and even debating sometimes over the roles of a woman and a man and that I would always remark sarcastically how gentleman he is, kasi akala niya yata silang mga lalaki ang dapat trinatratong parang babae.
Pa-chicks, alam mo ‘yon? Basta we continued bantering and all… that’s how our communication was again restored after many years.
Our communication was on and off Leah and I didn’t mind it, kasi pareho rin naman kaming busy.
And our phone conversation was followed by meet-ups and hangouts. He would pick me up and we would go somewhere to look for food, minsan kahit gabi pa.
It’s not that we’re doing something or we’re dating or anything. It’s just two friends who go out, eat, get some fresh air, and just talk. Hindi kami madalas lumabas kasi nga busy kami and that lumalabas lang kami kapag may isang nakaalala.
Kapag nga lumalabas kami, we would discuss ideas. ‘Yung I would ask him several questions about his profession and he will answer me tapos ako rin, I would share some of my experiences in my work that is related to his.
We would talk about the law or just anything. Pero on lighter conversations, we would banter about sexism – I would stand for women and he would stand for men. Apart from this, we would also reminisce the past and we would end up laughing so hard and so loud the people would turn their heads towards us.
We would recall kasi ‘yung mga ganap lalong lalo na nung high school na talagang nakakatawa. Alam mo ‘yung kadramahan ko dun sa puppy love ko, itinatawa namin ng malakas. And then hindi rin makakawala ‘yung mga mayayabang na kaklase namin at nakaka-surprise kasi talagang established na ‘yung confidence niya at tatanungin kung nasaan na ‘yung mga anyayabang noon.
Yes, kamuntikan na kaming mag-conduct ng tracer study upang alamin ‘yung mga ganap ng mga kaklase namin.
Anyway, most of the times people would think of the past as painful but, if we just stop and consider, there are plenty of moments to smile and laugh about … just like what Apollo and I did.
Gaya nga ng sabi ko, hindi kami talagang madalas din talagang mag-usap at magkita but then nung bigla na naman siyang nagparamdam, sinabi niyang may girlfriend siya…Ako, I was, okay. I didn’t feel anything kasi it’s not that we are dating na gaya ng sabi ko. I didn’t even ask who the girl is or what’s her name and others.
Kami kasi Leah, we do not talk about those personal stuff like kung meron kang boyfriend or girlfriend or kung ilan ang ex mo and all. We didn’t. We talked about ideas, about the world, and all but not the personal stuff. Siguro may mga pahapyaw lang like hugot kuno kapag nagjo-joke.
But after knowing that he has a girlfriend, walang nagbago kasi nga it’s not that we’re doing anything.
Ganun pa rin, we banter, we converse, and minsan we go out to eat and just talk. At ganun pa rin, dahil nga sa pareho rin kaming busy ay hindi rin every day … minsan nga every other month or more pa kami nag-uusap. Basta kung may makaalala lang ba.
Hanggang sa Leah, bigla ko na lang nalaman na wala na pala sila at alam mo kung kanino ko nalaman? Kanino pa nga ba? Kundi sa napaka-chismosa kong kaibigan and don’t ask me kung saan niya napulot kasi I have no idea either.
And it was true Leah kasi the next time we communicate again, Apollo told me na ilang months na raw wala ‘yung babae sa buhay niya.
I tried asking him what happened in a mapang-asar way, kinakantiyawan ko kasi siya. Pero men are men, most of them are not keen at sharing their feelings. Though naintindihan ko naman pero siya rin kasi humuhugot kaya aasarin ko na siya nang aasarin.
I know he was affected by the breakup because he lost interest in pursuing the path he was so eager to follow. I have no idea what happened or what went wrong kasi nga kung ayaw niyang pag-usapan, bakit ko pipilitin?
But Leah, obviously kahit mukhang hindi niya alam magpaka-gentleman minsan o let’s say madalas, he really cared and loved the girl. But then siguro ganun lang din talaga Leah, no matter how much we want to stay with someone if the circumstance tells you it’s time to part ways or you’re better off without each other, we cannot do anything.
Though, heartache really affects a person whether positively or negatively. Kasi si Apollo, nawalan ng inspirasyon na ipursigi ‘yung path na akala ko gustong gusto niya when he told mewas talking about it to me.
I guess, it’s the girl who inspired him to do it and now that she’s gone, nawala na rin ‘yung desire niya na ipagpatuloy pa ‘yung nasimulan niya.
Though you cannot tell people what to do, I would like to share something which I believe is effective and proven, summon the pain, the grief, anger, and frustrations and make it as your leverage into making yourself better.
Habang tumatagal Leah, napapadalas na ‘yung pag-uusap namin at pagkikita. We often go out for a and ruan together at hindi na lang lalabas kung gutom at naghahanap ng pagkain.
We both badly needed a long walk or a and run after a long hours of work and also to release the stress. Ganun na ganun pa rin kami, walang nagbago.
At habang tumatagal, I don’t know Leah but I just feel like unti unti na akong nasasanay na laging siyang nandiyan and this raised a red flag in my system. As I’ve mentioned, I am not the one who waste time and that kung wala namang patutunguhan ‘yung isang bagay, why push?
Oo, Leah. Nandun ‘yung fear na what if mnasanay na ako na nandiyan siya tapos bigla lang pala siyang maglalaho bigla? I mean, we are not a thing, wala akong pinanghahawakan and he could just simply flee anytime he wants.
I know hindi siya ganung tao and that was Kara’s thought, too. It’s a dangerous game and situation, as I perceive it and so I precautioned myself kasi ayoko… ayoko na in the end kapag ako ‘yung unang nasanay, I will surely be the one left with a broken heart and I didn’t like the idea.
And try to think about this too Leah, oo sige, nasanay ka na’t lahat tapos bigla siyang nawala at wala kang napala, just imagine the time you wasted?
I can’t do it Leah, I can’t do this … but then, even with the pre-cautions and all, ‘yung kinatatakutan ko, dumating pa rin.
Oo, nasanay ako but still, I am that person who cannot just simply let her guards down. Oo, nasanay ako sa presensiya niya at nasanay akong lagi siyang kausap but then I kept that demeanor like nothing is going on inside me and that everything is just at a friendly level.
Ako kasi I am not the one who shows emotions or feelings, lalong lalo na’t ipakita na nasanay ka na ngang nandiyan siya. So Leah, I kept that strong deamenor as if my lips do not curve sa tuwing may nababasa akong message niya.
Yes, siya na ‘yung gusto kong laging kausap at siya ‘yung hinahanap na ng sistema ko to talk with after long hours of work and after an exhausting day. Alam mo ‘yung kapag nakita ko na ‘yung pangalan niya, I had to control my fingers not to immediately open it and immediately reply to him.
Yes, talagang ako’y pigil nakong pigil. Tapos I also try to na ‘wag magtext first. Alam mo ‘yung kung pwede lang i-airplane mode mo na ‘yung phone mo just to keep yourself from being embarrasseding you and to keep you from actingsounding and looking like a girlfriend who just simply wants to talk to her man.
Maybe this has something to do with pride as well, kasi usually, man should ask you first eh. Hindi dapat ikaw ‘yung unang gumagawa ng move … though, pwede sigurong ikaw din paminsan minsan pero kung ganitong nasa ‘ano niyo ba ang isa’t isa’ phase, you should try your hardest not to give in to your beating heart.
So meron ngang Apollo, Leah na kung saan hinihintay ko na lang siguro to make a move, kaya ganun nagpatuloy ako sa pagpipigil sa nararamdaman ko.
Pero Leah, while Apollo is here, meron din at meron pa rin ‘yung isang taong kahit pa man siguro nakailang girlfriends na, pilit pa ring bumabalik at sinusubukan kung ‘yung timing na ba is perfect for us … yes Leah, it’s Troy.
Hindi pa rin siya natitinag. Alam mo ‘yung I’ve been so upfront and showed him right from the beginning that friends lang talaga ang kaya kong ibigay, pero heto pa rin siya kahit ilang taon na, hindi pa rin nawawalan ng pag-asa.
I honestly felt bad for him Leah, he’s a good and nice person but then I hated that I had to tell him in words that as of the present, it’s only friendship that I could give him. Hindi talaga ako nakatulog nung kinailangan ko itong sabihin sa kanya one night, I kept pacing back and forth in my room at nung hindi nga ako nakatiis ay lumabas pa ako ng kwarto ko to talk to my mom hysterically kasi I really felt bad for him.
Pero bakit mo naman kasi papaasahin Leah, diba? Though ang sabi ko naman sa kanya is ayokong magsalita ng patapos, pero if we talk about the present, friends lang talaga but as to the future, that is not something I can predict.
Naintindihan naman niya at iniwasan ako … but then Leah, after months, muli na naman siyang nag-message.
And here, ito na ‘yung katanungang … sino ba kasi ang pipiliin mo, ‘yung mahal mo o mahal ka? Si Apollo ba o si Troy?