• Leah's Real Life Stories

Jane's Story: CHAPTER THREE


Leah dahil nga sa walang trabaho si Harry ay halos ako ‘yung nagtaguyod sa pang araw- araw namin dahil nga sa buong araw ay nasa apartment lang si Harry, naglalaro ng computer games at sa hapon nakikipag-inuman sa mga barkada niya. Kahit pagod ako galing sa work ay ako pa ang magluluto ng pulutan nila at hapunan namin.


Lagi akong sa pag-aaral lang nakatutok at walang time gumawa ng mga household chores but with Harry, I was forced to do everything. Oo ganun ako ka- willing na i-work out ‘yung relationship namin and to prove my parents that I chose the right thing.


So, ganun nga ang naging daily routine namin, papasok ako sa work at iiwan si Harry na nakatutok at naglalaro sa computer tapos uuwi ako kinagabihan at madadatnan siya na ganun pa rin, na parang buong araw hindi umalis sa pwesto niya.


Leah, may hiya rin naman ‘yung mga barkada ni Harry dahil kapag kita na nilang pagod ako ay sila na ang magboboluntaryong magluto o kung hindi naman ay mag-aaya silang sa labas na lang mag-inuman. I wished Harry would have been at least this sensitive kaya lang ay hindi. He would still insist na sa apartment pa rin sila mag-inuman and his friends would just look at me apologetically.


Apart from this, ako rin ang nagbabayad sa laundry dahil nga sa hindi naglalaba si Harry at wala rin naman akong time tapos minsan, nagha-hire na rin ako ng housekeeper to clean our apartment.


It was like, I was just basically tiring myself out at work para lang mabuhay kami which is hindi naman dapat. Dahil dito ay napabayaan ko na ang sarili ko. I used to have time to dress myself and at least put on some make up, pero when I lived with Harry ay nawala na kasi nga I have to wash the dishes and cook in the morning before I head to work.


I used to delegate some of my time to go to the salon pero I was too tired to do it and I was also too occupied sa bahay. Parang hindi ko na nga kilala yung sarili ko when I look at myself sa mirror but still, I convinced myself that this is worth it and that Harry is still in the adjustment stage kahit pa man nasa 1 and a half year na kaming nagsasama.


You think it is already too much Leah and it is already time to call me tanga? No, hindi pa dahil eto pa lang, iku-kwento ko na ‘yung pinakamalalang ginawa ko dahil lamang sa pag-ibig.

Isang gabi, napa-overtime ako sa clinic. Pasado eight na noong mag-decide ako to call it a night at bukas ko na lang itutuloy yung ginagawa ko nang biglang dumating sina Camille, Julia, at Gretchen at lahat sila ay nakabihis.


And honestly, seeing them made me remember my old self. Yung dalagang very presentable, yung walang iniisip na partner, at yung career minded. As if reading my mind, may nilabas na dress si Camille at pinilit niya akong isuot iyon. Afterwards, my friends made me put on some make up bagay na nakaligtaan ko na magmula noong maglive in na kami ni Harry.


For the first time after a year and a half, muli kong nasilayan yung dati kong sarili.I still have my curves dahil hindi naman ako tumaba kaya ‘yung long-sleeved at knee level na black dress na pinili ni Camille ay fit na fit sa akin. I also wore my killer heels. I thought magbibihis lang ako at magmomodel, hindi pala dahil may plano ang mga kaibigan ko dahil kinaladkad ako nila Camille papunta sa isang bar.


Hindi na ako nagreklamo dahil miss na miss ko rin naman na ang mga kaibigan ko. I thought I could at least finally loosen up a bit pero iba ang napala ko sa muling pagsama ko sa mga kaibigan ko.


Sa bar, I saw Harry. Magpapakita na sana ako sa kanya nang biglang may isang babae who is undeniably hot and gorgeous ang humila sa kanya until nawala na lang sila sa paningin ko.


Ewan ko but I suddenly felt an electrifying pain. I wanted to find out more but my friends dragged me away from the direction where my boyfriend and a woman just went.


I know it’s very early to jump into conclusion, baka nga naman kaibigan lang. But Leah, I would be lying if I say I didn’t notice the way they look at each other………it’s not the way friends look at each other, it was full of desire.


Hindi ako insecure na tao Leah because I have no reason to be. I knew my worth and how I carry myself but with Harry again, I felt horribly insecure. Yes, that night, nilamon ako ng insecurity. I mean, the woman is so hot, with her curves and everything.


Leah sa totoo lang ay hindi rin ako umiinom pero sa puntong iyon, lumangoy ako sa alak.


I should have run after Harry because who knows what they might be doing in a corner? I know what you are thinking because that night, yan din ang iniisip ko. Pero I just couldn’t bring myself to go because if I do and catch them, then what?


Kaya naman ay uminom lang ako nang uminom hanggang sa tuluyan na ngang nawala sa isipin ko si Harry and I was already laughing with my friends whom I missed so dearly.


That night I felt free which I used to feel before I met Harry. For the first time after a year and a half, I was able to loosen up and just be me. Yung Jane na sa work lamang nai-stress, yung Jane na strong and independent woman, at yung Jane na hindi nagpapakatanga. Oo, ‘yun na, sinabi ko na Leah. Tanga. Stupid. Idiot. Yan ako nung mga panahong yon.


But I still refused to accept this reality. Kaya naman uminom lang ako nang uminom until I finally got numb. I felt so relieved even just for a night. My shoulders were not tensed and my mind was relaxed. I was loving the feeling.


Kaya lang, kung nakapag-relax ako nung gabing iyon, ang bigat bigat naman ng naghihintay sa akin kinabukasan because I woke up in another room.


In the morning, I woke up with the worst hang over. Pagkamulat ng mata ko, isinumpa ko na sa sarili ko na never na akong iinom. Halos hindi na ako makabangon pero bigla akong natauhan nang mapagtanto kong wala ako sa apartment.


My heart stopped beating for a moment and I tried to recall what happened last night. Kaya lang no matter how I tried with my throbbing head ay wala akong maalala. I only remember us getting drunk pero hindi ko na maalala kung paano kami nakaalis sa bar. I tried my best to recall pero it just worsen my hang over.


I cannot wake up to another person’s bed Leah. Masyado nang marami akong iniisip at problema and I cannot afford na dagdagan pa ito by sleeping to another person’s bed or worst, by sleeping with another person just because I was too drunk to even connsider who I’m going in bed with.


However, my mind just jumped to the worst scenario, Leah, pero nang tignan ko kung may damit pa ako under the blanket ay nakahinga ako ng maluwag because I still have.


Nang inilibot ko ang paningin ko ay mabilis kong nakilala ang kwarto. And thank goodness dahil I was at Camille’s.


The first thing I did was, instead of nursing my headache that was killing me at that moment, ay kinuha ko kaagad ang phone ko sa pag aakalang hinahanap ako ni Harry.


Guess what Leah, yung inaasahan kong mga missed calls and text messages na galit na galit at hinahanap ako……wala.


Yung sakit ng ulo ko ay parang nawala…parang nawala dahil hindi ko na naramdaman dahil sa paninikip ng dibdib ko dahil sa labis na pagkadismaya.


Tulog pa noon ang mga kaibigan ko nang umuwi ako. I just left them a note dahil alam kong sa kanila ko sigurado makukuha yung pag-aalala at sermon na hindi ko natanggap mula sa boyfriend ko.


I was thankful, though I cannot remember driving towards Camille’s house last night, dahil nasa garage ‘yung sasakyan ko. I was not okay, both physically, mentally, and emotionally but I was still able to drive myself pauwi sa apartment.


Hindi ko alam kung bakit sobrang bigat ng pakiramdam ko nang makauwi ako pero Leah, sana hindi na lang ako umuwi dahil sobrang lala nang bumungad sa akin.


Pagkabukas ko pa lang ng pintuan ay mga damit na ang nag-welcome sa akin. Nagkalat ang mga ito sa floor and I could tell, mga damit iyon ni Harry. Dahil na rin sa hang over ay mabilis na uminit ang ulo ko dahil hindi naman niya kailangang ikalat ‘yung mga damit niya at isa pa, he could have placed them in one place.


I was so ready to call him out that day. It’s like I am so damn tired and even simple things you cannot do. I could feel my blood boiling habang pinupulot ko ang mga nagkalat na damit ni Harry.


Tinahak ko nga ang daan patungo sa kwarto namin pero tuluyan akong napahinto dahil may underwear sa floor. Underwear ng babae and I was so certain that it wasn’t mine.


Sa nakita ko pa lang na iyon, dapat sana ay tumakbo na lang ako palayo to save my heart from completely being shattered pero hindi iyon ang ginawa ko Leah. I guess our brain wants all information be filled out and so binuksan ko pa rin ang door ng kwarto namin, and there……… nakita ko si Harry na may kasamang babae.


There was another woman, a stranger, on my bed...on our bed. Gusto kong sumigaw at magwala at kaladkarin ‘yung babae palabas ng apartment. Pero tuluyan akong napipi. Gusto ko silang sugurin lalong lalo na yung babae pero tuluyan akong naging estatwa at hindi nakagalaw.


They were under the covers but I am so sure with their bare shoulders at ‘yung mga damit nila na nagkalat sa apartment, they were not wearing anything. ‘Yung babae, siya ‘yung babae na nakita ko kagabi sa bar.


I was stupefied. Tuluyan akong naging bato. I don’t know if I didn’t just have the strength to go or sadyang gusto ko lang talagang namnamin itong napakasakit na display before me.


Siguro ang iniisip niyo ay pinalayas ko si Harry or iniwan ko na siya. Hindi, oo hindi dahil may mas isasagad pa pala ang katangahan ko.


Oo sobrang sakit pero the idea of losing Harry is much more painful. Hindi ko kayang mawala siya sa akin kaya handang handa ako noon na patawarin siya. Na magpretend na parang walang nangyari. Sobrang tanga na kung tanga pero mahal na mahal ko siya.


We played the ‘parang walang nangyari game’... or more like, I played ‘the walang nangyari game’. I pretended as if walang nangyari, as if wala akong nakita, at as if hindi ako nasasaktan.


I was the best actress... yes, hindi ako magaling sa actingan pero I became the best actress because I was able to hide my pain by acting as if it didn’t exist.


Of course, I cried. I cried a lot especially at night na wala si Harry. Oo, may mga moment na hindi na siya umuuwi sa apartment namin and because I was too scared to confront him, sinagad ko ang katangahan ko and I settled to the thought na at least sa akin pa rin naman siya umuuwi.


Nagawa kong magtiis ng halos isa pang taon after the night I discovered that my boyfriend is cheating on me. I was able to tolerate him because of my fear na baka iwanan na niya ako after kong i-confront siya. I was raised to be independent pero nakalimutan ko lahat, nakalimutan kong I was raised by my parents to be strong, that I was conditioned to know my worth ... in short tuluyan kong nakalimutan ‘yung ako just because of a man and this thing called love.


Nagpakatanga ako dahil akala ko hindi ko kakayanin ang gumising isang umaga na wala na si Harry. Kaya lang ‘yung sistema ko na mismo ang napagod at talagang napapatulan ko na si Harry at hindi ko na napipigilan ‘yung bugso ng damdamin at galit ko kaya naman ay lagi na kaming nag-aaway at nagsisigawan.


Kung toxic na ‘yung relationship namin sa una pa lang, mas naging toxic pa ito. Hanggang sa ako na mismo ang bumigay at napagod. Kaya lang, the moment I left, it was then I saw the world crashing before me and the damage, it was so huge na gusto ko na lang magpakamatay dahil hindi ko kinaya ang mga sumunod pang nangyari Leah.


I thought Harry is my nightmare. But the truth is, hindi lang pala siya dahil ang totoong bangungot ng buhay ko ay ‘yung mga sumunod na nangyari and call me weak or whatever, pero hindi ko na kinaya pa.


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