• Leah's Real Life Stories

Jane's Story: CHAPTER FOUR


Lahat ng pagtitiis at katangahan, meron din talagang hangganan dahil ‘yung sistema ko na mismo ang napagod. Si Harry hindi lang sa wala ka talagang maaasahan sa kanya na ambag sa bahay both labor at financially, hindi siya natigil sa pambababae. I knew, apart from woman’s instinct, ay lagi siyang may ka-text at katawag tapos ayun na, hindi na siya uuwi.


Oo, napagod ako, finaaally. And so I just found myself packing everything and putting my luggage in my car. I didn’t leave a note nor any message, I just fastened my seatbelt and drove. I didn’t have any particular destination in my mind sa mga puntong, ‘yun I was basically a mess. Paniguradong sabog na sabog ‘yung itsura ko kakaiyak.


Basta nagdrive lang ako nang nagdrive hanggang sa kusa akong huminto and just cried. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko natawagan si Camille dahil the next thing mayroon na sila ni Julia, knocking on my window.


I opened it and they just hugged me. Tandang tanda ko nun parang timang ‘tong dalawang kaibigan ko at umiyak din sila nung mga puntong yon, sa totoo lang ay mas OA pa ‘yung iyak nila kesa sa akin.


After our crying scene, si Camille ang nagboluntaryong magdrive at ako sa passenger at si Julia naman ay sa likod. Hindi ko alam kung saan ang punta namin nun, wala din nman ako idea kung saan pwede mag chill or makahanap ng quiet place to relax kaya I just let Camille drive to nowhere, just hitting the road to who knows it will lead, hanggang sa dinala ako ng dalawa kong kaibigan sa bahay.


Our house has always been huge for the 3 of us pero damang dama ko ‘yung lungkot nung nasa labas na ako ng bahay at nakatingin lamang sa living area na siyang naiilawan.


Honestly, I was always afraid of the dark that’s why kapag gabi na, lahat talaga ng ilaw sa bahay mula 1st to 2nd floor ay nakabukas na parang andami dami naming tao sa bahay. My parents didn’t seem to mind lalong lalo na at talagang nag-iikot ako sa bahay.


And now that I am back after being gone for 2 years, damang dama ko ‘yung lungkot sa bahay. For a moment, I just stood outside and stared at the house, thinking how my parents spent their days and nights for the past 2 years and just the thought triggered my tears.


Sa totoo lang ay wala akong mukhang ihaharap sa mga magulang ko and I just couldn’t bring my feet to take a step forward. Hanggang sa ‘yung front door namin ang kusang bumukas and there, I met two pairs of eyes and I had to bit down my lower lip as I met my parents’ gaze.


I was expecting for the worst that my feet were even too weak to make a move, and so I was glued to the ground with tears streaming down my face. My parents did not immediately move and so I thought wala na akong mauuwian pa.


We stood there, just simply staring at each other. No one made a move and I was about to take this as a sign to take a step back and leave kasi nga sino ba naman kasi ang makakatanggap o tatanggap pa sa isang tao who had already made her choice to leave more than 2 years ago. I was too much of a fool and too stupid to realize it.


I already made a choice and that was to ruin my life despite the pleadings from my parents who wanted nothing but to secure me and be in good hands.


Kaya at that moment when I was already mentally preparing to leave,,I was stopped by a tight and warm embrace from my mom. Hindi ko matandaan kung paano niya tinawid ang distansiya sa pagitan namin.


Hindi pa man ako nakakabawi sa pagka bigla ay meron na namang additional pair of arms ang yumakap sa akin… it’s my dad’s.


And right there, I just broke down and let myself be held by the arms I was dying to be enveloped with. It’s like the world stopped, Leah, to allow me to be just simply broken and to feel the pain that was there but I was just too coward to face it for the past 2 years.


I have never felt so broken,so damaged not until the night I was held by my parents where their precautionary advices came flashing before my mind, berating me and shouting ‘I told you so’.


That’s why I cannot help but to think Leah,what would have happened had I only listened to the people who have always wanted the best for me? What would have happened?


That very night I slept in my parents’ room. Si mommy ang nasa pagitan at ako nasa right side, sa left naman si daddy. That same night bumalik ako sa pagkabata na natutulog sa bisig ng kanyang ina because I was wrapped in mommy’s arms with her fingers combing my hair as I just simply cried out all the tears I have kept the day I decided to leave the comfort of our home and the warmth of my parents’ arms just to live with the man whom I thought would be my haven.


Walang nagsalita kila mommy and daddy, tahimik lamang sila at tanging nakikinig lamang sa mga notang prino-produce ng mga hagulgol ko. I was sobbing so hard and clinging to my mom as if my life depended to her that moment.


Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako katagal umiyak nung gabing ‘yon before ako nakatulog. Dahil the next morning, mga nasa 9am na, I woke up feeling the aftermath of the tears I produced last night dahil ‘yung mga mata ko ay talagang namamaga.


Sa totoo lang I had to remind myself where I was the moment my eyes opened. The reminder sent a pang in my system because I also had to recall why in the first place I was finally back home. Pero kahit sobrang sakit, I was still able to breathe because I know this time I am safe and was finally out from that piece of he** I had stayed for more than 2 heart pulverizing years.


Out of a habit, I went to the kitchen to cook pero sinalubong ako ng mga nakahandang pagkain sa table with my parents smiling at me as if they have been waiting for me to wake up.


Dad pulled a chair for me which he always does before. Sa totoo lang ay mabilis akong nanibago dahil nga sa walang naghahanda ng pagkain for me when I moved in with Harry kaya halos nakalimutan ko na ‘yung ganitong kinalakihan ko na when I wake up, meron ng pagkaing nakahanda at sina mommy and daddy, hihintayin na lang akong magising.


I sat on the chair dad offered me at pagkatapos ay si mommy naman ang nag-pour ng kape sa mug ko at naglagay ng pagkain sa plate ko. Gustong gusto ko muli maiyak noong mga sandaling iyon Leah but I had to hold on the tears dahil ayoko rin namang sirain ang umagang iyon kung saan ay magkakasama kami muling kumain.


I just couldn’t help to think what it was like during breakfast, lunch, and dinner for my parents when I left? I just hoped Leah that it was not as bad as I thought kasi knowing my parents, hindi talaga kakain ang mga yan hanggat wala ang unica hija nila of course, except kung magte-text ako na sa lalabas ako kakain.


And so while trying so hard not to break down again, I savored the breakfast I was finally get to enjoy with my parents under the comfort of our home.


After breakfast, hindi ko na pinatagal pa at sinabi ko kina daddy and mommy kung ano’yung mga nangyari sa buhay ko nung mag-decide akong sumama pa rin sa isang tao na hindi nila gusto para sa akin in the first place.


I honestly prepared myself for launch of lectures and I told you so’s. But to my surprise, I didn’t hear any from my parents kahit pa man deserve na deserve ko ang maiuntog at mapagsabihan ng buong araw o linggo o buwan.


Instead, my mom held my hands on the table and said everything’s gonna be alright. As simple as that.And when I looked at my dad, he gave me a reassuring smile.


And I didn’t know and realize that’s what I only needed, my parents telling me and believing that there is a light after this.


Pero Leah sana ganon lang kadali na sana sooner or later everything will be alright. Kaya lang things don’t come in an instant. Dahil ang mga sumunod na nangyari hindi ko alam kung paano mag cope dahil sobrang lala. I never thought the pain I felt even exists. Akala ko sa libro lang nababasa at nag-e-exist lamang sa imahinasyon ng isang author ‘yung ganong sakit.


But it does exist in real life and it took me everything not to get swayed by the raging pain and just simply give up kahit pa man ‘yun ang kauna-unahang option, ang ‘wag na lang lumaban at magpatianod na lang sa kasumpasumpang sakit na ako mismo ang nagdulot sa sarili ko.


Halos dalawang linggo akong hindi lumabas ng bahay. Yes because apart from nursing a broken heart, I was so afraid to face the world. Alam ko ng usap-usapan ako ng mga tao lalong lalo na ‘yung mga kapitbahay namin.


One time kasi some of them, ‘yung mga matatandang walang ginagawa approached me when I was washing my car. Pasimple silang nangamusta at sinabing buti naman at nakauwi ako. Alam na alam ko na nun na gusto lang nilang makiusyoso.


Dahil siguro they were far older than me, they thought they were entitled to give me advice and all. Sa mga parangal nila kuno, kitang kita ko that they were keeping on tab on me dahil alam nila na umalis ako ng bahay at tsaka nakipaglive in sa isang lalaki na hindi gusto ng parents ko in the first place.


Well, hindi naman siguro maitatago itong katotohanan na ito kasi wala namang kasal na nangyari o ano at basta na lang ako naglaho at ‘yung lalaking nakikita nilang sumusundo sa akin ay ‘yun nga mayabang o basta hindi swak sa tulad ko ika nga nila.


Pero sa totoo lang Leah, rinig na rinig ko ‘yung panghuhusga which they tried to conceal in their pieces of advice. If you read between the lines, ganito ang mga sinasabi nila, ang talino pero sobrang tanga sa pag-ibig…magna cum laude ka nga pero, nagpaloko naman... matalino pero hindi naman marunong mag-isip…honor student pero mangmang.


Oo, usap usapan ako noon dahil sa pagiging achiever pero naging usap-usapan din ako sa mga puntong yon dahil sa pagiging failure. And yes Leah, naging katawa tawa ako sa mata ng mga tao. Ako ang naging laman ng mga usap usapan na kulang na lang ay mapublish sa diyaryo ang pangalan ko at ang nangyari sa akin.


Hindi ko na kinaya Leah. Sobra akong nadapa at hindi ko na alam kung paano pa ang tumayo. Para akong nalumpo mula sa aking pagkakadapa dahil pakiramdam ko, hindi na ako muli pang makakatayo.


From that encounter, I refused to go out kahit pa man sa garahe at sa garden ng bahay. I just stayed inside the house no matter how my parents tried to convince me and to get me out of the house kahit man lang magpa-araw lang ng konti.


Oo, sobra akong naapektuhan Leah. Ang dali sigurong sabihin na huwag makinig sa mga sinasabi ng iba at ‘wag pansinin ang mga mapanghusga nilang mga mata. But I just can’t. This was exactly what I feared the most, ang feedback ng lipunan after kong mag set ng standards na mataas tapos bumagsak…hindi lang basta bumagsak,bagkus ay napilayan pa.


It felt like the society found satisfaction that through my case, they proved ‘yung notion na ang mga matatalino tanga sa pag-ibig.


Pero despite sa mga kaliwa’t kanan na panghuhusga at pambabatikos sa akin ay hindi ako ikinahiya ng mga magulang ko. They became my rock in this raging storm kasama ng mga kaibigan ko. Yes, my friends helped me cope, laging pumupunta sa bahay sina Camille at Julia, si Gretchen kasi sobrang naging busy daw kasi sa trabaho kaya hindi nakakapunta.


Camille and Julia always come to the house to have me watch TV, eat different foods, at kung ano ano pang in doors na activities na pwedeng gawin kasi nga kahit anong pilit nila ay hindi nila ako magawang ilabas ng bahay.


But then, there came this person who had managed to take me out of the house. Tandang tanda ko pa kung paano ang dramatic exhale ni Camille habang ang dalawang kamay niya ay nasa bewang niya.


She said kung itong tao lang pala ang makakapagpalabas sa akin sa bahay ay matagal na nilang tinawagan kahit pa man sa isang isla ito nakadestino. Yes Leah, isang tao lang pala ang makakagawa nung task na araw araw sinusubukang gawin ng parents at ng mga kaibigan ko pero hindi nila magawa gawa.


At itong tao to, more than 2 years ko ring hindi nakita at nakausap. It’s Enzo, ang mapang asar namin na kaibigan na noon ay isa na ring pulis at nakadestino sa malayong isla.


Yes, siya lang ang nakagawang ilabas ako ng bahay and I don’t know but he has this vibes kasi that will charm you into going with him. And so, after locking myself inside the house without any intention to go out anytime sooner, Enzo was able to charm me into seeing the world again.


Enzo had his vacation and I wasn’t aware of it. Nagulat na lang ako nang sabihin ng mga parents ko na may bibisita raw sa akin sa araw na ‘yon. Iba ‘yung ngiti nila and I had to ask them what they had done again this time. Alam na alam ko ‘yung mga ganong ngitian Leah.


But before I could push them into revealing kung ano ‘yung ginawa nila ay meron ng nag-door bell at super excited si mommy na tumakbo pa para mabuksan kaagad yung door at mapapasok yung tao.


And there, the man who used to tease me appeared, and Leah I cannot remember seeing him this handsome. Yes, I was heartbroken but it doesn’t mean I can no longer tell that a man is handsome.


Oo, matagal ng may itsura si Enzo but that time, ibang iba ‘yung datingan niya. Wala na ‘yung tambay na porma niya, kahit pa man naka polo shirt, shorts, at sleepers lang siya ay ibang iba ‘yung dating niya at ang linis niyang tignan.


Hindi na rin basta payat na lang nun dahil kitang kita na lumaki ‘yung biceps niya at ibang iba na rin ‘yung tindig niya. I know this was because of his training.


Ang laki ng pinagbago niya pero I was so certain of one thing na hindi nagbago, ‘iyon ay ‘yung ngiti niya. ‘Yung typical na kahit wala pa man siyang sinasabi ay alam mo na na aasarin ka through his mocking smile.


Instant akong natawa at nang humakbang na siya palapit sa akin I felt this feeling to hug him and so I did. Sa ginawa ko ay natawa siya kaya naman mabilis na dumako ang kamay ka sa braso niya upang kurutin siya.


He hugged me back and we stayed like that for quite some time dahil when we pulled away from each other ay wala na pala ang parents ko. Hindi ko ma-explain Leah why I was instantly drawn to him …or have I always been?


We talked hanggang sa napapayag niya akong lumabas for dinner. I was honestly excited to go out especially with Enzo’s assurance, pero sana Leah, sana hindi na lang pala ako lumabas dahil nung gabi ring iyon, I came home as broken as ever.

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