Chloe's Story: CHAPTER ONE
Updated: Apr 5
I am Chloe and I am here to share my story and hope that it would touch the hearts of those people who experienced the same, why of all the people they get to meet in life, it would have to be the person they would ever regret being with.
While writing this, stream of tears began to shed from my eyes, and though I tried to battle with my emotions, my mind brought back the memories I never wanted to recall… and all I could hope, Leah, is to suffer from selective amnesia so I could finally move on. Kasi every time na maaalala ko, ang sakit sakit pa rin. Pero paano mo nga kakalimutan ang isang bagay na kahit ang sakit, isa pa ring napakagandang alaala?
Tanong ko lang, bakit kasi lahat ng mga taong darating sa buhay natin hindi pwedeng i-filter? Yun bang dapat lahat ng mga taong papasok sa buhay mo ay yung mga taong mamahalin mo lang……….yun bang bibigyan ka lang ng magagandang experiences and memories.
Pero sad to say…walang ganon. Hindi mo maaaring piliin yung taong makakasalamuha mo. May mga makakapagpasaya sayo, makakapagpatawa ngunit meron at meron yung mga taong paiiyakin ka, pahihirapan ka ng paulit ulit at talagang dudurugin yung puso mo.
There are so many people in the world and yet we still meet people who could make our life chaotic. But that’s life because…… as they say, we meet people for a reason.
Leah, namulat ako sa marangyang buhay. Yun bang, hindi lang yung needs mo yung naibibigay ng mga magulang mo kundi pati na rin ang mga luho. Never kong naexperience na magtrabaho nung bata ako. Yung buhay na meron ako noon ay buhay prinsesa na siyang laging sinasabi ng iba.
But with all of these comfort, I still managed to screw up everything. Few months na lang noon at ga-graduate na ako from high school nang bigla akong makaramdam ng kakaiba sa katawan ko.
I felt nauseous, irritable, and sensitive; mga bagay na very strange sa aking sistema. And there’s only one explanation to this and it scared the heck out of me. Sobra akong natakot noon, hindi pwede. Ilang buwan na lang at magka-college na ako kaya hindi pwedeng mangyari kung ano man ‘yung nasa isip ko.
Kaya kahit may kutob na ako, I tried denying it from myself. I tried to live normally hanggang sa nagiging visible na nga yung tiyan ko. Ayoko siyang i-entertain, basta ayokong isipin… just the thought of it made me sick and throw up the food I barely managed to eat.
I tried Leah to run away from the reality but the growing fetus in my stomach stopped and held me, dahilan upang hindi na ako makatakbo… and it drove me insane Leah because I used to have solutions to everything, but with this… I didn’t know what to do. My mind just stopped functioning; all I could comprehend was that……..this thing has a life and it certainly a product of love.
Kaya ‘yung sinisigaw ng madilim na parte ng utak ko ay hindi maaari. This is mine. I made this, we made this. And so, I would never, ever even dare to entertain the thought of getting rid of it. And so, despite the painful consequences, the harsh criticisms and heavy decisions I have to make at a very young age, I have to face the world with this, and so f*** the world but I will continue with my pregnancy because this is mine, this is my baby and this is now a part of me.
Yes Leah, at an early age, I got pregnant. I was only 15 that time and I was certainly not ready to have a baby. Buong buo ang desisyon ko that I am going to keep it, but at the beginning, I thought I couldn’t do it on my own. Akala ko hindi ko kaya ng mag-isa and so I told Larry, ang boyfriend ko at magiging ama ng sanggol sa sinapupunan ko.
I was already expecting a horrible reaction from him lalong lalo na noong natahimik siya after kong sabihing buntis ako. Pero I never thought, he would say the worst and the most stupid thing in the world.
“Hindi akin yan!” Yan ang sabi niya sa akin. Literal na napatulala ako noon Leah at tanging ang mga luha ko ang nagsisisigaw sa sakit. I wasn’t that strong that time and I was desperately pleading to him to be my rock, to hold my hand and tell me that we’re going to get through it.
He was my first and I didn’t sleep with anybody else. Alam niya iyon Leah, alam na alam niya iyon so why on earth na sasabihin niyang hindi sa kanya yung bata. How is it possible for a father to tell the one who is carrying his baby that it’s not his? How is it possible for a father to disown his own child? We did it. Pareho kaming nagpakasaya tapos ngayon na nagbunga ide-deny niyang sa kanya?
Doon ko rin napagtanto Leah that he’s the most stupid person in the world. Why? Because why on earth would he still choose to stay with a girl when he thinks that she’s f****** somebody else? Napakatanga lang Leah.
He could have saved himself from being a fool kung dineretsa niya sa akin na ayaw niyang maging ama ng anak ko instead of saying na hindi ito sa kanya.
All I thought it’s impossible to carry myself that very moment Leah, but I did… for my child. And so amidst a raging disappointment and pain, I let my anger wipe away my tears. If he doesn’t want this baby, he could go and screw himself for all I care.
I will do it, I will have the baby… even I am alone.
Yung sobrang galit ko noon ang naging tulay din kung bakit hindi na ako nag-isip isip pa at sinabi kaagad sa parents ko na buntis ako.
Pero sana Leah, dapat pala nag-isip muna ako. Totoo pala talaga yung don’t make a decision when you’re mad and don’t ever open your mouth when you’re at the top of your emotions.
Sobrang nagalit si papa at pinagsisigawan ako like sobrang nakakahiya raw ako. Takot na takot ako noon and I was expecting for my mom to envelope me in her arms pero mas malala yung reaction niya Leah.
Nasampal niya ako. Oo, yung mama ko ang sumampal sa akin at hindi si papa. Taliwas sa typical na scenario kung saan yung ama ang mananampal sa anak samantalang yung ina ay papagitna lamang.
I didn’t attempt to fight back, I just stayed where I was as if my feet were glued on the floor. I allowed my mom to lay her hands to me. Deserve ko naman, totoo naman lahat ng mga sinabi nila. They didn’t do anything aside from working hard to give me everything, my wants and my needs… just all. All I just have to do is to finish my studies.
I am nothing but a failure. Napakasimple lang naman yung gagawin ko sana and that is to wake up everything, go to school, listen with puppy eyes to my teachers then go home and study. Napakasimple lang compared sa araw araw na pagod, stress, at hirap na hinaharap ng parents ko just to provide me everything.
I absolutely failed them because what I did is to go to my boyfriend, stay in his bed, spread my legs while my parents are out there, thinking I am at school.
And so, I accepted my parent’s wrath. However, I couldn’t still deny the fact that if my heart was broken due to Larry’s reaction to my pregnancy, it was my parents’ who made it shatter.
Yes Leah, even I say na kasalanan ko, even I beat myself many times, a part of me still hoped that they will somehow hug and pick me up after their anger subsided. But I guess, me being a failure is greater than their role as my parents. And so, I was completely alone in the journey.
I never felt so alone not until my parents sent me to my grandmother here in Cagayan. Isa raw akong kahihiyan at hindi na nila kayang tignan pa ako. Yes, kahit nasa modernong taon na tayo, ikahihiya ka pa rin ng mga magulang mo kapag nabuntis ka ng maaga lalong lalo na kapag tinakbuhan ka pa ng nakabuntis sayo. I didn’t have a choice and so I just let them throw me to my lola.
Tinapos ko lang noon ang final examination pero hindi na ako nag march dahil malaki na noon ang tiyan ko, kung hindi lang ako medyo chubby ay hindi na magagawang itago ito ng pajacket jacket lang. Whenever I go out, I always wear a jacket to hide my tummy and though it’s still visible, people thought I just gained more weight.
Sobrang hirap. Wala si Larry, wala yung mga magulang ko. It’s just me, my baby, and my grandmother. I just wished that my parents could have been more understanding like my lola.
It was so hard Leah. Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses akong umiiyak sa isang araw. Buti na lang at naroon si lola na siyang yayakap sa akin at magpapahid ng mga luha ko. She would just simply and lovingly cup my face and tell me I am being strong and that it is okay to cry because I am a person, capable of pain.
She would always tell me that everything will be okay, it is just a phase and the pain will soon vanish.
Leah, if there is one thing I realized, the hardest point in life is the moment when you needed your family the most but they’re not around. Their absence will definitely cause excruciating pain but don’t forget that sometimes, you have to face your battle alone because in that case, you’ll come out stronger.
Hindi gaya ng parents ko at ng mga ibang tao, hindi ako hinusgaan ni lola. Wala akong ibang narinig sakanya kundi words of encouragement. She was the one who balanced everything because with all the words I am hearing, I became too hard on myself and whenever I beat myself, lola will always be there to remind me that I am her strongest granddaughter and that she loves me and that i have her back.
It’s true Leah dahil hindi nga ako iniwan ni lola. Tandang tanda ko pa nun yung kalmado niyang boses kahit pa man kitang kita ko na sa mukha niya yung sobrang pag-aalala when I went to labor.
Halos 48 hours din yung labor ko Leah. It was only me and my lola at the hospital and nung una, kalmado pa ako. Pachill chill lang habang si lola ay minu-minuto akong tinatanong kung saan ba raw masakit o kung ano raw ba yung kailangan ko o kung ano ang gusto kong gawin.
Nagawa ko pang tumawa nun and told her to calm down because I was okay and I was not feeling any pain. But my cool attitude didn’t last dahil napalitan ito ng kung ano anong mura at sigaw dahil sa sobrang sakit.
My lola was there to rub my back, to hug me, and to encourage me further dahil sa totoo lang dahil sa sobrang sakit ay pakiramdam ko na hindi ko kakayanin, na hindi ko magagawang mabuhay pa after that day.
I don’t know if our Creator sent me angels to help me get through those painful hours of my life dahil apart kay lola, ang babait din nung mga nurse at nung doctor ko. They made things so easy for me… I remember there was that nurse, who told me to think that he is my husband and that it is okay to hit him if it will help me at least ease the pain.
Lola was allowed to accompany me at the delivery room and that nurse who volunteered to be my husband at that time stayed beside me and held my hand. Hindi ko ma-explain ‘yung sakit, I knew all mothers who are listening right now can relate.
With all the encouragements and help, I was able to give birth to a healthy and handsome baby boy. Upon hearing his first cry, I felt and finally understand ‘yung sinasabi nilang mawawala lahat ng sakit at pagod… because hearing my baby’s cry just washed away everything I have been through.
All I could is being on a cloud nine and my heart was so overwhelmed with the deepest connection and love I could ever give to a person.
Indeed, motherhood is the most challenging thing to do Leah. Gabi gabi akong umiiyak noon sa tuwing hindi ako pinapatulog ng anak ko, mabuti na lang at hindi ako pinabayaan ni lola. She kept her words that she has my back.
As to my parents and Larry? Nanganak na ako’t lahat, ni anino nila wala akong nakita o ni amoy man lang nila, wala rin. Sa totoo lang that time hindi ko na sila iniisip because I was occupied by my lovely boy.
After seeing my baby for the first time, I promised myself to strive harder for him, na ibibigay ko lahat sakanya and that I will not let him suffer just because I had him earlier in life. And this materialized through the love and help of my grandmother.
Nung enrollment na noon, my lola told me na mag enroll sa college. Siya raw ang mag-aalaga sa anak ko habang nasa klase ako. 2 months pa lang noon ang anak ko and I’m not sure kung kaya kong mawala siya sa paningin ko ng ilang oras kada araw.
Pero sabi ni lola, ituloy ko raw ang buhay ko, hindi lang para sa akin kundi para na rin sa anak ko. This struck me with a bolt of thunder. Napatingin ako sa anak ko noon na natutulog sa kama, my lola’s right.
Hindi na lang “ako” ang meron dito, kundi meron na ring bata na magde-depend sa akin sa mga susunod na taon.
I want to give him the best but how will I ever do that if hindi ako mag-aaral at makakapagtapos? And so I followed my lola’s advice. I know what is waiting for me is not going to be easy but I have my strength, and so whatever it is, I am going to conquer.